The Dimensions of Forgiveness

“Finally Pilate handed him over to them to be crucified. So the soldiers took charge of Jesus.” Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). Here they crucified him” (Jn. 19:16-18)

This is the essence the cross. Jesus’ surrender to the hands of the soldier to die, casting Himself upon the will of God. The cross and purpose of God are always beyond our own thinking. It is difficult to comprehend, Cross bearing is not physical illness, nor problem relationships – cross bearing is a voluntary embracing of God’s will and larger intentions in these places

 “Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and the other on his left.       (Matt. 27:38)

Bearing His cross, Jesus was not only accused of being a criminal but was crucified with them. He was staked down among the most vile and yet as undiminished purity. He offers Himself to us even when we are at our worst.

Can you think about Him dying for the most despicable? If for them, why not for you?

Forgiveness

            Hanging between earth and heaven, Jesus prays, “Father, forgive them,” anticipating the atonement moments later when “Jesus cried out again in a loud voice and yielded up His spirit”

Let’s begin with some understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a letting go of, a permitting to depart. But what do we let go of?  What do we send away? 

“It is not condoning, justifying, or excusing a wrong doing. It is not getting justice or revenge. It is not reconciling: going back into an abusive relationship. Reconciling is re-establishing a relationship of trust has been damaged. 

There is two expressions of forgiveness. They are not necessarily mutual: not in concert with each other.

Decision forgiveness is one in which we decide not to hold the wrong against the person: resolving how we will react, it has to do with our “behavioral intentions.” In this process we may have to initiate boundaries in order to be safe but not to seek reprisal or revenge.

As we treat the offender in a forgiving light we will still carry feelings of bitterness, anger or hurt. This leads us to the second type of forgiveness which may be associated with the first: emotional forgiveness. 

Letting go of the negative emotions will be a process. We can make a decision by faith to forgive.1

With the decision to forgive, the brain will continue to fire along the same neuron pathways. Once we have made the choice our brain will continue to fire with these synaptic responses.  Observe the reaction as a “brain thing,” and express gratitude to the Lord for Who He Is and stay with the process. Also, keep in mind synaptic stimulation affects our emotions and body sensations.

Only to the point we can grasp being forgiven can we forgive. This is not a superficial, self-comforting act. It is coming to understand the profound cost Christ paid for our forgiveness and by that realization forgiving those who have wounded us.

Dip an open coffee can in a lake, it will only hold the capacity of the can. However, if you cut out the bottom of the can, the entire lake flows through the can.

Forgiveness flows to me only to the extent I forgive others.

She’s a bright fiftyish woman working thru sexual abuse at the hands of a grandfather, brother and verbally sadistic mother. Promiscuous as a teen. Married to a jealous, physically cruel husband.

Getting emotionally healthy, setting boundaries with husband and family, now dealing with the guilt of her past and the shame a submitting to the ill-treatment of her husband. She is overcome with self-reproach, how could she let it happen?

Anna began to understand she was acting out the maltreatment of important people in her life as a child. I led the emerging core of the healthy-self to decide to forgive the licentious-self of the teen and capitulation of her unworthy-self to her husband. She visited the painful litany of each act she could remember with the words, “I forgive you.”

The process and result took time because it eventually involved forgiving those who harmed her.

The realization was an awakening, “It’s not about me!” The liberation of that truth is having a continuous impact. She is more spontaneous, living more in the present moment. She’s feeling what psychologist call self-regard – the Scriptures – humility.

Working through forgiveness, she authentically extended it to her cruel husband.

Sound crazy? I know. Pastors and counselors insisted she forgive him. When she began seeing me, her first question was, “Do I have to forgive Dennis?”

“Not yet,” I replied. “You are attempting to put cart in front of the horse”. We can’t reconcile with another until we’ve more integrated or balanced in our thinking.”

Through our work, she first had to process the trauma, defining how she related with others, especially her husband, Dennis. During the procedure she worked through her anger without shame, letting her husband know she needed space during this time.

Learning to communicate her feelings without attacking him she set appropriate boundaries. She saw his wounded-ness and finally confessed to me she had not only forgiven him, but “Like him.”

Self-forgiveness?

Basically it is seizing God’s mercy in Christ and extending to one’s self. By a faith decision we’re taking ourselves off the hook of self-condemnation in our thoughts and feelings.

I found an album of childhood through young adult photos of myself. As I thumbed through the pictures, as ask God and that child to forgive my rage and verbal attacks. I wept my way amidst those faces and realized how resilient he was and he did this without any adult support. I thanked God and the child for his tenacity and the gifts with came from that strength.

I became aware of shift in my spirit. It was gradual, quiet and most surprisingly, evolving. I’m becoming more patient with myself and situations. I discovered the core, the rigidity of self- criticism.

Who has you on their hook for the reason you are not willing to forgive? Are you inclined to hold resentment, anger or bitterness against them giving them power over you? What would it cost you if you did forgive?

Has shame bound you in self-reproach and regret? What keeps you there? Take time to confess that as sin, By decision,  grab hold of God’s mercy and pronounce His and your forgiveness to those incidents that have haunted you.2

1 Worthngton, Everett “An Evidence Based Group Intervention to Help Christian Couples Forgive.” (Lecture, National American Association of Christian Counselors, September, 2015.)

2The Power of Resurrection Living; pps. 140-144, the author.