“Do you mean?” is one of the most effective tools you can use to communicate and be heard.
It’s important you and your partner read this together completely before you consider this process.
As only 7% of our communication has to do with the words we use, the other 93% has to do with body language and tone of voice, the purpose of this technique is to enable you to really hear what’s being said.
To initiate the process both of you must agree on a small physical object, such as a soft stuffed animal or item which will be used for this technique. The reason: it reminds both you that you are entering into a contract of taking time to listen to each other.
Let’s say you have a specific issue or problem that you want to discuss with your partner.
As the speaker, your responsibility is to do the following:
Choose an appropriate time.
Holding the stuffy in your hand, ask your partner if s/he would be willing to discuss an issue you are facing. If not, what specific time s/he be willing to sit down and discuss the issue.
Upon the agreed time, when there will be no distractions, holding the stuffy, initiate the process by being the speaker and your partner is the listener.
It’s important to acknowledge very clearly this is your problem. “Problem ownership” is crucial in this technique. Owning the problem does it mean you’re bad. Doesn’t mean you’re going to use it on the person who’s listening making it their problem.
You are not to use the, “you “word. You can say “my husband”, “my wife” or use their first names. The “you” word focuses on the person. When you use words such “my husband”, “my wife,” or their first name, the focus is on the issue, not them.
Also, as the speaker, you are to use “I” or “my” words.
You will use the word “when” citing a specific incident which created your issue and one specific feeling you were experiencing during the incident.
Upon the agreed time, holding the stuffy in your hand, you began the process stating, “I have a problem when…. and I feel.”
You hand your loved one the stuffy. They are to begin listening to you by saying, “do you mean” as they attempt to hear what you’re saying and experiencing.
The only response you can give is the following: “yes “if it’s completely true; “no “if it’s not completely true; or “partial“ if it’s not completely true. Don’t be too rigid.
The listener is seeking to hear and understand you as they begin each attempt with the words, “do you mean?”
It’s also important understand it’s not an issue of how many “yeses,” or “no’s” or “partials” you go through. It is a process both of you are learning to communicate and really listen.
After a couple minutes, you can do the following:
If the listener is having trouble understanding and may be frustrated, affirm your partner’s attempt to listen; restate the issue using different words and with a clearer feeling.
If there is an understanding, affirm the listener. You can then ask if the listener would like to be the speaker and you the listener. S/he will use the same process sharing with you.
Your partner can respond to the problem you have shared, or bring us an issue s/he is experiencing. Making use of the same process.
If your spouse says, “no”, simply say “OK” letting your partner know you appreciate being hear and can anytime get the stuffy and use the process.
This is a new technique and can be intimidating because is it so new, be patient.
If you feel it appropriate, ask if your partner would be willing to discuss strategies as to how to deal with your issue.
It’s important you practice the technique with issues not dealing with your relationship to your partner. For example, as the speaker, you can talk about issues at work, at church, or with a friend.
Holding the stuffy in your hand, “I have a problem I would like to use “Do You Mean” and discuss a problem I’m having with (a co-worker. Church, or friend). Can we do it now, or set up a time to do so?